I went over our income and expenses for the month of September and it wasn’t good. We spent more than we brought in. A LOT more. This is a harsh reality check of the situation we are in now that I’m no longer working full time. It’s especially hard to come to terms with this as we head into the holiday and birthday season. Four of our kids celebrate birthdays in the months of November and December, then we get to fork over some cash to Santa for all seven kids for Christmas.

When I was working we weren’t “rich” by any means but we made enough to pay for the little extras. Now, things like paying for school/senior pictures or the fees so my daughter can do cheerleading are a big deal. One of the things I have said repeatedly since I lost my job was that if we had known I was going to lose it, we would not have bought this house. We would have stayed where we were. I love this house, though… I really do and we want to do everything we can to keep it. But there are times we worry that it may not be something we can afford long term.

When my thoughts start heading that way I end up feeling bitter and angry at the whole situation surrounding how I lost my job. I was an awesome, dedicated, honest hard worker. They promoted me FOUR times in three years. Just seven short months ago when they did my annual review they had nothing BAD to say. Their exact words were, “We want you to be with us as long as we around” and they sealed the deal with a fat raise.

I poured my heart and soul into that company only to have everything ripped out from under me without any warning due to the whims of a couple hormonal, power-hungry and insane bitches who weren’t even in my department! My crime? I dared to question their actions as they went through a huge reduction in force. The way they went about it scared and panicked the remaining staff and I tried to relay that to them. I tried to be their voice, which technically was part of my job… These witches (that I normally did not work with) weren’t accustomed to anyone “under” them questioning anything. Their team members were robots that did as they were told regardless. I was doing as told as well but I was used to my boss who always wanted my input and listened to what I had to say even if he didn’t agree. There was a lot of mutual respect there… That apparently STOPPED there. At least when it came to other departments. Unfortunately he wasn’t around that fateful day.

It’s hard to not feel defeated and discouraged. Especially since my confidence is shot. I know I should not let what happened shake me up like it did but I can’t help it. There were so many things that were just so wrong in how and why they did what they did that I constantly feel slapped in the face. How could people who claimed to love me, my work, my dedication turn around and dismiss me so easily? I guess that’s the corporate world for ya?

So today these financial issues are weighing heavily on me. What SHOULD I be doing right now? My family enjoys that I’m not working. They enjoy the extra time I have for them, the freedom to volunteer at their school, go to field trips with them, take them to practices. And this is very valuable for me. I did not realize how much time I spent missing out on these things when I was working.

At the same time, if we went to continue on our current path, stay in this house, keep things like cell phones and digital cable, pay all these fees for sports and extra-curricular activities for our kids, etc. we need more income. I keep asking myself how I want to do that.

Working at home was ideal for me. Working part time is all we need to be secure again. I don’t need to make as much as I did before for us to get by. Even $500 would give us that security again. But good steady work-at-home jobs are not easy to come by.

I’ve thought about returning to school. But to do… what? I didn’t finish college. I got married and had kids instead. Fourteen years ago I was studying law and heading down the paralegal path with hopes that someday I could be a lawyer. It wasn’t really a dream of mine to be a lawyer, but the concept intrigued me and this career assessment test I took said I’d be a good fit. It also said I should become a real estate agent and that actually intrigued me more but I was afraid it would not be steady enough. I’m still very intrigued by the real estate thing but the whole “is it steady enough” question especially in today’s market is still a big concern.

My problem is it was never my dream to be a career woman. So I don’t have any grand plans or ideas for our long term future. I think the reason stems from the fact that my own mother worked so many hours and was gone a lot. I remember many dinners without her and missing her. I also came from a pretty dysfunctional family, so in turn my goals in life were always centered around getting married, having kids, and being the best parent I could be. This is all fine till my kids are all grown and out of the house.. then what?

It’s times like this I wonder if I should have taken the job I was offered a few weeks ago. It would have brought in enough money to give us back that secure feeling… but I still wonder at what price? It was NOT the ideal job for me or our family at all. I also can’t help but feel that I’m meant to do more than manage some workers in a small retail shop that has a such an unpredictable future.

I really am hoping to make this getting paid to blog thing work but with Google not updating their page rank yet and me being stuck at less than zero, it’s becoming a challenge to stay encouraged!

Oh and I must not forget I have diabetes and high cholesterol to manage and worry about as well. So.. yeah. It’s hard to stay encouraged.

Is it any wonder that Dory’s lyrics (from Finding Nemo), “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.” keep getting stuck in my head?