The title of my blog indicates this thing is supposed to be about living with Diabetes. As you may have noticed, there hasn’t been much about diabetes at all lately. Why is that?

I’m ashamed. Yes, ashamed! I’ve not been managing it well. My BG levels are ok, I think… but my test strips expired and I never got around to renewing the prescription to get more. I take my daily doses of the Metformin I’ve been on forever now, and, well, that’s about it.

I am back in the denial phase. I’ve even gained back some of the weight I had lost. Not all of it, but some. It all started with a few french fries. Yes, I said french fries. CURSE THOSE EVIL FRENCH FRIES.

When I originally lost weight, the first thing I did was stop eating french fries. Anytime we ate out, I either didn’t order them or I threw them away when they came with my meal. I got to the point where even the smell of them didn’t appeal to me at all. I had made up my mind that french fries were evil and I would never eat them again.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened but I remember being at a restaurant and someone ordered some fries then commented on how good they were dipped in ranch. I figured one couldn’t hurt. OMG it was good. The next time I was near them, I figured one or two wouldn’t hurt. Then the next time, one or three.. one or four.. one or ten…. you get the picture.

French fries are like my cocaine. I can’t eat just one. And when they are in front of me, I can’t not sample, and sample, and sample. This pretty much led to a mindset that “oh one of these or one of those won’t hurt” until I’m now ordering full meals of stuff that DOES in fact hurt and that I should not be eating. Ice cream, greasy cheeseburgers with the works, baked potatoes smothered in butter and sour cream.

So this is my admission that I’m not making the best food choices right now. As a result weight has come back on. I’m in a cycle of beating myself up over it every time I do poorly at meal times, yet come meal times I seem to have zero impulse control. Being a diabetic, this is not good. As such I choose not to write about it on here because then the internet can think I’m doing just fine diabetic-wise and that’s why there’s not much diabetic-related on here. Well, that’s simply not true. I’m not doing fine being a diabetic and it’s starting to show in more ways than one.

The fact is, I simply HATE even SAYING I have diabetes…. so much so that I’ve almost changed the title on this blog several times. I have thought about erasing anything diabetic related on here. I did remove the diabetes in the title for about a day. Then put it back when I realized I was in denial again. This was about a month ago. It’s almost like I look at the diabetes as being something outside of my actual being. If that makes sense. I guess I see two of me. One that is just fine but overweight, and one that is overweight and diabetic. I prefer the “just overweight” me. Because somehow that is easier to accept. The diabetic me is somehow broken, and not normal. And I have a hard time accepting that. I know it’s not healthy for me to view the diabetic me that way, but I can’t help it.

Since I’ve had more time on my hands, I’ve had more time to think, too. Think about the diabetes, the fact that I’m overweight. Primarily the fact that I’m overweight and have gained some of the weight I lost back. I’ve also been doing some research. I need to exercise more. It’s amazing how hard it is to work exercise into your day! Even when you’re home all day. But I have a lot of kids and a lot of things to do. I keep viewing exercise as this big time consuming thing I must block out hours for daily and that seems too much… and I keep thinking I’ll eventually figure it out. In the past, I’ve purchased work out videos, mostly aerobic DVD’s but they were kinda crappy with crappy music. So now they are shoved to the back of my DVD shelf. I started doing some research to find something easier, motivating, etc. And I think I’ve settled on a system… that involves walking in your home. The DVD’s are inexpensive and they might just work.

At least it’s a step in the right direction.